The Best Thing To Do Before Handling A Problem

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWVSoTfmnr9eMJDdMGtouOape9LuqrLAMvKwbrSdjxZpFP8rxvQ3aFXKm8DRL8fuylP0BpWVmmNe4KZhiD62X8Ck5RZoaJoMMglHxEo5Syu6wVuObd_rL42xPVvXqy4OqvLUlY_tcYG_c/s1600/Conflict-problem.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="The Best Thing To Do Before Handling A Problem" border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWVSoTfmnr9eMJDdMGtouOape9LuqrLAMvKwbrSdjxZpFP8rxvQ3aFXKm8DRL8fuylP0BpWVmmNe4KZhiD62X8Ck5RZoaJoMMglHxEo5Syu6wVuObd_rL42xPVvXqy4OqvLUlY_tcYG_c/s640/Conflict-problem.jpg" title="The Best Thing To Do Before Handling A Problem" width="640" /></a></div> <br /><br />"Not my circus, not my monkeys."<br /><br />-Common Polish saying.<br /><br />Before you enter the lion's den, discuss the elephant in the room, or address the monkeys in someone else's circus, try this: Think about their top character strengths. Believe it or not, your sworn enemy, your disgruntled boss, your depressed client, and the politician you hate—all have strengths of character.<br /><br />Research studies have shown that when therapists focus on their client’s strengths prior to a therapy session (called “resource priming”) that a number of positive outcomes unfold. These include:<br />Improved therapy outcomes<br />Higher use of strengths in the session<br />A stronger counselor-client relationship<br />More experiences of accomplishment (sense of mastery)<br /><br />In these studies, the task for the practitioner is simple: Take about 5 minutes to reflect on your client’s strengths right before you meet with them. That's it.<br /><br />The simplicity of this exercise and the benefits that emerge are palpable. So this has got me wondering….<br /><br />Perhaps this could be applied much more widely than just the therapist-client encounter? Might this be a useful approach for anyone to take before they approach a problem? If you're dreading talking with someone, maybe do some "resource priming" first? If there's a sensitive discussion you need to have with a family member or a sticky, complicated situation to address with a friend, could you consider their strengths before you talk with them?<br /><br />Envision the following:<br /><br />*Teachers reflecting on the strengths of their students and the strengths of their classroom-as-a-whole before walking in to teach a lesson. Further, they consider how they can help the students explore and use their strengths during classroom lessons and projects.<br /><br />*Managers reflecting on the strengths of their employees before entering a weekly meeting with them. Further, these employers take a moment to remember the best qualities of each employee before sending them an e-mail or phone message.<br /><br />*Parents reflecting on the strengths of their children before their next interaction with them. While driving home, working parents could spend time considering ways in which they can validate and encourage their child’s strengths later that day.<br /><br />*Romantic couples considering the strengths of their spouse or partner before engaging in a conflict or confrontation. Couples can consider the qualities of their loved one that they most cherish and appreciate (research shows this is connected with happier and more committed relationships).<br /><br />If you want to try this out, here are some questions to reflect on before the conversation:<br />What are the signature strengths of the person I'm about to speak with? <br />How have they used their unique personality strengths in the past?<br />What would a strengths-oriented discussion with them look like?<br />How might I improve upon past conversations by using my own strengths?<br />Are there strengths of mine that get squashed when I'm around this person? What might I do to ensure I can bring these forward?<br /><br />Final question for you:<br /><br />Why not? Why not prime yourself so you can see, appreciate, and reinforce the best qualities of those you are interacting with? What have you got to lose?<div> <br /></div> <div> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span></div>

The Best Thing To Do Before Handling A Problem

"Not my circus, not my monkeys." -Common Polish saying. Before you enter the lion's den, discuss the elephant in the room, o...

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Kwanini Watu Tunapenda Kuzungumzia Mambo Ya Watu?

Nimekuwa nikijiuliza sana maswali ya kwann baadhi yetu wanapenda kuzungumzia mambo yasiyowahusu!! Nikimaanisha kumzungumzia mtu fulani ambaye hakulishi wala hakuvishi!!<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit97YeeU6KASQmPXa2HL27okmE2XqjgQY1cARTX2nDe5vc6Xkswv0Ig0yIMrk_zyvsG8vZ6CQubYpb_qZs4Hadedh1OG82u58bhsAU9HsGtoItqudj1AgqxCy_ksm6M5Ts4-j1B7JqBKY/s1600/Gossip.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Kwanini Watu Tunapenda Kuzungumzia Mambo Ya Watu?" border="0" height="420" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit97YeeU6KASQmPXa2HL27okmE2XqjgQY1cARTX2nDe5vc6Xkswv0Ig0yIMrk_zyvsG8vZ6CQubYpb_qZs4Hadedh1OG82u58bhsAU9HsGtoItqudj1AgqxCy_ksm6M5Ts4-j1B7JqBKY/s640/Gossip.jpg" title="Kwanini Watu Tunapenda Kuzungumzia Mambo Ya Watu?" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> Nilipokuja kutulia nikagundua kuwa watu wengi wasiokuwa na kazi za msingi ndio huwa wanapata muda wa kusambaza mambo ya watu!! Hii inatokana na kutokujitambua na upungufu fulani wa akili!!<br /> <br /> Sio lazima kupimwa na kujulikana kuwa una upungufu wa akili, vitu kama hivi pia vinaweza kuwa vigezo vya kudhihirisha kuwa una upungufu wa akili!!<br /> <br /> Tuache majungu jamani tufanye vitu vya msingi ili walau tuonekane tuna akili kidogo.<br /> <br />

Kwanini Watu Tunapenda Kuzungumzia Mambo Ya Watu?

Nimekuwa nikijiuliza sana maswali ya kwann baadhi yetu wanapenda kuzungumzia mambo yasiyowahusu!! Nikimaanisha kumzungumzia mtu fulani ambay...

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What's Your Favorite Color and Why?

<br /><img alt="What's Your Favorite Color and Why?" height="300" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/colored_doors.jpg?itok=RS_lJsKu" title="What's Your Favorite Color and Why?" width="400" /><div> <br />Although the question “What’s your favorite color?” conveys a sentiment that’s distinctly relatable and universal, the simplicity of this question belies its nuanced underpinnings. At the turn of the twentieth century, many scientists postulated that color preference was too idiosyncratic to be studied in the lab. However, new research suggests that color preference may have to do with a person’s affective response to objects of a certain color as well as personal experiences. This prediction has been coined ecological valence theory.(link is external)<br /><br />Despite substantial variability in color preferences among individuals, testing has shown that there are patterns with respect to color preference. For instance, some research has shown that people tend to prefer color with deeper saturation. Furthermore, other research has shown that many people prefer blue and relatively few people like yellow or yellow-green.Ecological valence theory can best be explained using some examples. A person may prefer the color orange because she associates this color with things that she likes, such as navel oranges or baby carrots. Conversely, the reason why many people dislike the color brown may be because brown is associated with feces, dirtiness, decay and death. Alternatively, a person may prefer a certain color because of positive personal experiences. For example, maybe a man likes purple because as a child he fondly remembers being picked up after school in his dad’s purple Corvette.<br /><br />Another prevailing hypothesis explaining color preference has to do with biology. Color preference may be rooted in individual differences in cone composition. Cones are photoreceptor cells located in the retina which enable color vision. Differences in cone composition could possibly yield differences in threshold sensitivities to certain colors thus resulting in variable color preferences.<br /><br />In an informative article titled, “Ecological influences on individual differences in color preference,”(link is external) Karen Schloss and co-authors examined color preference and color dislike using sets of objects that were associated with certain colors. Their results support the ecological valence theory and fail to support biological hypotheses explaining color preference.<br /><br />On a final note, ecological valence theory may be rooted in evolution. In other words, people like certain colors because objects associated with these colors are beneficial to them and promote well-being. For instance, a person may like blue because she associates the color with clean drinking water or fresh smog-free air. Thus, she may be compelled to approach blue objects. On the other hand, she may dislike yellow objects because of their association with bodily waste like urine or pus and be compelled to avoid yellow objects.<br /><br /><span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span></div>

What's Your Favorite Color and Why?

Although the question “What’s your favorite color?” conveys a sentiment that’s distinctly relatable and universal, the simplicity of this q...

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Why Good Looks Don't Guarantee A Great Relationship

<img alt="Syda Productions/Shutterstock" height="280" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/shutterstock_238625905.jpg?itok=GVGl8U-D" width="400" /><div> <br /></div> <div> <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, 'DejaVu Sans', sans-serif; line-height: 16.7999992370605px;">This should be encouraging for all relationship-seekers:</span></span><br />Shallow readers, beware: Your partner’s level of attractiveness means less than you think for the quality of your relationship.<br /><br />At least this is the conclusion of a new study exploring the science of close relationships, directed by psychologist Lucy Hunt and published in this month’s issue of Psychological Science. Hunt’steam surveyed 167 couples, either married or dating. They asked each partner to rate the level of satisfaction they currently experienced in their relationship. They also measured each partner’s attractiveness by having a group of trained undergraduates judge each partner’s looks (in other words, a scientific version of HotOrNot.com).<br /><br />Here’s what they found: Attractiveness was not in any way related to relationship satisfaction. Couples who diverged on ratings of attractiveness were just as happy in their relationships as couples who were similar in attractiveness.<br /><br />Hunt elaborates:<br /><br />“We found that romantic partners who were similarly attractive were no more likely to feel satisfied with their relationship than romantic partners who were not similarly attractive. Specifically, in our sample of dating and married couples, we did not find an association between partner matching in attractiveness and satisfaction with the relationship for either women or men.”<br /><br />Is this evidence that we should ignore our superficial instincts when considering whom to date? Not necessarily. Hunt cautions against jumping to the conclusion that physical attractiveness is an unimportant quality in finding a mate. "Physical attractiveness, itself, remains one of the most consistently and highly desired characteristics in a romantic partner,” she says. And, while ratings of objective attractiveness may not matter all that much, beauty is ever in the eye of the beholder.<br /><br />"Perceptions of a partner's attractiveness can change over time, deviating from the ‘average’ perception of that partner's attractiveness," Hunt says. "So even if most people might rate a particular person as a 5 out of 10 on attractiveness, that person's partner may rate the person as an 8. In short, it is not that physical attractiveness is unimportant, but rather perceptions of attractiveness can change, becoming increasingly unique as individuals get to know one another better over time."<br /><br />Hunt’s study also speaks to a broader debate in the field of close relationships research. “Our study suggests that similarity in attractiveness may not matter so much for relationship satisfaction,” she says. “This issue is still of some debate, with some evidence indicating that similarity in attractiveness does predict relationship satisfaction and some evidence indicating that it does not.”<br /><br />More research must be done to figure out how much attractiveness really does matter, but the lesson from this study is nevertheless a good one: Looks aren’t everything, and many other qualities—intelligence, fidelity, etc.—also make for a good mate and a happy relationship. "Even if a person selects a partner who is relatively (objectively) unattractive, it may be that that partner is high on a wealth of other desirable characteristics," Hunt says.<br /><br />Overall, Hunt believes that this research should be taken as a source of encouragement for relationship-seekers. “I think our findings are uplifting,” she says. “I would say that the goal is not to be as attractive as possible to the average person or to be instantly attractive at first glance, but to be attractive in the eyes of a particular individual one would be interested in pursuing.”<div> <br /></div> <div> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span></div> </div>

Why Good Looks Don't Guarantee A Great Relationship

This should be encouraging for all relationship-seekers: Shallow readers, beware: Your partner’s level of attractiveness means less than ...

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Does Size Matter For Women?

<br /> <br /><img alt="Does Size Matter For Women?" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/image-article_inline_full/public/field_blog_entry_images/Iceberg.jpg?itok=F3CNRo1I" title="Does Size Matter For Women?" /> <br /><br />The evolutionary significance of penis size has been a topic for abundant speculation, often packaged with the myth that the human phallus is far bigger than in other primates. However, the human penis is actually a little shorter, though much wider, than in bonobos and common chimpanzees. Curiously — despite the unquestionable need to consider “goodness of fit” (with apologies to statisticians) — length and width of the vagina have barely been mentioned. <br /><br />Size of the human vagina <br /><br />In a rare discussion of female dimensions, in 2005 Jillian Lloyd and colleagues reported an average vagina length of just under four inches for fifty women, with extremes of two-and-a-half and five inches. Importantly, vagina length did not differ between women with previous births and those without. So the particularly challenging human birth process seemingly causes no lasting distension of the vagina. Yet David Veale and colleagues reported in a very recent survey covering some 15,000 men that the average length of a man’s erect penis is about five-and-a-quarter inches. This is somewhat less than previously reported, but even at that size the average erect penis is a third longer than the average vagina. So it is hardly surprising that women reportedly care more about excessive penis length than men’s preoccupation with bragging rights. <br /><br />Comparison with non-human primates <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /><img alt="Does Size Matter For Women?" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/image-article_inline_full_caption/public/field_blog_entry_images/Vagina%20Size%20Plot.jpg?itok=eAr5Ej1V" title="Does Size Matter For Women?" /> <br /> <br /><br />Vagina length plotted against body weight for humans and 27 other primate species. Linked points are for inflated and flat sexual swellings. <br />Source: Plot by Robert D. Martin of Data from Dixson (2012) <br /><br />As usual, comparisons with non-human primates place human data in perspective. Alan Dixson’s book Primate Sexuality is once again a prime source, listing vagina lengths for humans and 27 other primate species. The four-and-a-half inches cited for human vagina length (from Bancroft, 1989) is about 10% greater than reported by Jillian Lloyd and colleagues, but still notably less than the length of the average erect penis. Plotting against female body weight, using Dixson’s data, reveals that vagina length scales to body weight with simple proportionality. Despite some scatter, a clear trend is evident and average vagina length for women actually lies close to the best-fit line. So women do not have a particularly long vagina compared to other primates. Strikingly, however, at a little over five inches the vagina of female chimpanzees is distinctly longer than in women. Moreover, across the middle of the menstrual cycle the sex skin in the genital region of female chimpanzees is conspicuously swollen, extending the vagina’s effective length by almost two inches. <br /><br />Unfortunately, data on vagina width for primates are generally lacking, so it is unknown whether a woman’s vagina is relatively wider than in other primates. <br /><br />The human clitoris <br /><br />Anatomically, a woman’s direct counterpart (homologue) of a man’s penis is her clitoris. However, it differs distinctly because the penis has a dual role for urination and insemination. By contrast, a woman’s clitoris is connected solely with copulation and is not even involved in fertilization. The clitoris is a woman’s most sensitive erogenous zone and the main anatomical source of sexual pleasure. And it is isolated from the urinary tract, whose opening (urethra) is more than an inch away. Despite its exclusive link to copulation, the clitoris has been shamefully neglected by investigators. In their 2005 paper, Jillian Lloyd and colleagues baldly commented: “ ……… even some recent text books of anatomy do not include the clitoris on diagrams of the female pelvis.” These authors gave an average of three quarters of an inch for externally measurable clitoris length. But there is extensive variation over an eight-fold range from one fifth of an inch to one-and-a-half inches. Despite its small size, the so-called “love button” contains some eight thousand sensory nerve fibres, double the number in the dome of the penis and surpassing the density anywhere else in the body. <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /><img alt="Does Size Matter For Women?" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/image-article_inline_full_caption/public/field_blog_entry_images/Clitoris%20Anatomy%20Labelled.jpg?itok=XlJZqp3-" title="Does Size Matter For Women?" /> <br /> <br /><br />Externally visible glans and the large internal parts of the clitoral complex in women. <br />Source: Relabelled illustration drawn by Amphis, from Jesielt / Wikimedia Commons. <br /><br />Two recent papers published in 1998 and 2005 by Helen O’Connell and colleagues greatly enhanced our understanding of clitoris anatomy. The first, based on dissection of ten cadavers, revealed that the externally visible clitoris (the glans) is just one small part of a “clitoral complex” that is far more extensive than previously realized. Indeed, a 2012 blog post by Robbie Gonzalez aptly likened the overall complex to a mostly invisible iceberg. The second paper by O’Connell and colleagues used magnetic resonance imaging to study the fine structure of the clitoral system. On each side, the hidden part of the complex consists of a bulb and sponge-like body (corpus cavernosum) extending into a tapering arm (crus). The body and arm together are about 4 inches long, considerably longer than the external glans. The hidden clitoral complex is erectile, whereas this may not be technically true of the glans, although it does become engorged during sexual arousal. The bulbs and bodies together flank the vaginal opening and bulge when erect, compressing it. <br /><br />In 2010 Odile Buisson used ultrasound scans to investigate the rôle of the clitoris while two volunteer doctors engaged in intercourse. The images revealed that inflation of the vagina by the penis stretched the root of the clitoris, such that it had a very close relationship with the front wall of the vagina, known as the G-spot. The authors concluded from their study: “The clitoris and vagina must be seen as an anatomical and functional unit being activated by vaginal penetration during intercourse.” <br /><br />A functionless vestige? <br /><br />In the words of Stephen Jay Gould (1993) “As women have known since the dawn of our time, the primary site for stimulation to orgasm centers upon the clitoris.” And the female orgasm has generally been the main context for discussions of the significance of the clitoris.Many proposed explanations boil down to the basic question of whether the clitoris and associated orgasms are adapted for some particular function or merely vestigial by-products. Along with Gould, Elisabeth Lloyd forcefully advocated the notion that a woman’s clitoris, like a man’s nipples, is simply a functionless carry-over from shared early developmental pathways. The main argument underpinning this interpretation is that both occurrence of female orgasms and external clitoris size are so variable that they are seemingly not filtered by natural selection. <br /><br />In a 2008 paper, Kim Wallen and Elisabeth Lloyd reported that variability in clitoris length is more than threefold greater than for vagina or penis length. However, in subsequent commentaries David Hosken and Vincent Lynch noted two flaws in their argument. First, Hosken emphasized that variation in clitoris size may not tell us anything about female orgasm. Second, size variability does not in fact differ significantly between the clitoris and the penis. In principle, the variability measure used by Wallen and Lloyd — the coefficient of variation — cancels out differences in average size. However, clitoris length is less than one sixth of penis length, so measurement error has a greater impact. To counteract this problem, Lynch compared variability in clitoris and penis volumes and found no significant difference. In any case, we should hardly expect to achieve meaningful results if we examine the tip of an iceberg instead of the entire thing!<br /><br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span>

Does Size Matter For Women?

The evolutionary significance of penis size has been a topic for abundant speculation, often packaged with the myth that the human phallus...

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Five Things NOT To Do To Babies

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ2OsK1jTPBYF1d1kqvO2XClFOe_wB7pZgvjF5xpjaqst3al2cSDdp89cbCwVlky9DG4y-XlDRmcOZzSPIM5gZf95JebUgO6kBCCFHGQENu4NF0YrDPuOxU9LdIwoeVssP_Un7ROtJAuU/s1600/baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Five Things NOT To Do To Babies" border="0" height="440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ2OsK1jTPBYF1d1kqvO2XClFOe_wB7pZgvjF5xpjaqst3al2cSDdp89cbCwVlky9DG4y-XlDRmcOZzSPIM5gZf95JebUgO6kBCCFHGQENu4NF0YrDPuOxU9LdIwoeVssP_Un7ROtJAuU/s1600/baby.jpg" title="Five Things NOT To Do To Babies" width="640" /></a></div> <br /><br />When I had a puppy, he hated to be ignored or left alone. At those times he would chew up the furniture. Babies hate these things too, but they can’t damage the furniture to let us know. Instead, their development gets undermined and we and society have to live with the anxious and depressed results. <br /><br />What should we NOT do to babies? <br /><br />1. Ignore them (don’t) <br /><br />Under natural birth conditions, newborns are ready to communicate with mother, father and others. Colwyn Trevarthen has videos (link is external) showing newborn communication with a parent. Of course, they cannot talk but they can grunt and move their arms (the left arm is typically self-referential and the right arm focused on the partner). Some mothers communicate with the baby in the womb through singing, reading, talking, or even thumping. In indigenous cultures, the mother is responsible for shaping the spirit of the child with communications like these to the baby before and after birth, even creating a unique song for that child (e.g., Turnbull, 1983). <br /><br />Grazyna Kochanska’s (2002) program of research shows that it is a “mutually-responsive orientation” that leads over time to the most positive outcomes, like conscience, prosocial behavior, and friendship skills. Mutually-responsive means the parent and child both influence each other, building a relationship cooperatively. Trevarthen (1979, 1999, 2001) suggests that this type of companionship care provides an optimal environment for emotional and intellectual development. The parent and child together develop their own ongoing creative stories and games that continue to change over time. <br /><br />Why is a companionship relationship particularly important for babies? The first three years of life is a time when tacit (non conscious) understanding of how the social world works is developed and it gets wired into how the brain works (Schore, 1994, 1996). With responsive care, the brain’s systems learn to work well and thereby keep the person healthy and socially engaged. What is learned during early life will be applied ever after to relationships (unless changed with therapy or other significant brain-changing experiences). <br /><br />Babies who are born early or experienced non-soothing perinatal experiences may need to be gently wooed by caregivers into a back-and-forth communicative relationship. This means caregivers have to be especially calming and sensitive to the baby’s signals—teasing her into relating, but only when she is ready. Skin-to-skin touch, singing and whispering comforting words may be helpful for the very withdrawn. <br /><br />2. Let them cry (don’t) <br /><br />Imagine being in pain and asking for help and being ignored. How does that make you feel about yourself (bad) and about your family (angry)? It’s so much worse for a baby because he is in the midst of rapidly growing brain systems that are learning their dance patterns for social living and for physiological functioning (health). We have to remember that a large part of child development occurs after birth when 75% of the brain is developed (mostly in the first few years) and epigenetic effects take place (gene functions established) based on the type of care received. <br /><br />For a baby, being left to cry is like torture. Why do I think so? Because technically, physiologically and maturationally babies should still be in the womb until 18 months of age. So if babies regularly get distressed, their bodies are being trained to be anxious and distrustful of themselves and of others. Most of what they learn from undercare is tacit knowledge that may not be noticeable until later when they are inflexible, self-centered and easily stressed out. Know anyone like that? <br /><br />When young babies cry they are not having tantrums or being little emperors. They have needs and communicate them the only way that they can. <br /><br />But if you wait for a cry before alleviating discomfort, you are waiting too long. <br /><br />From the beginning of the relationship with a baby it’s important to learn not to let him cry. This is ancient wisdom. Young babies have a hard time stopping crying so you don’t want let them start. They may get then into a habit of crying. Distress for too long can kill brain synapses (brain networks scheduled to develop at that time) which are growing at a phenomenal rate in the first years of life. <br /><br />To keep babies from crying, caregivers must pay attention to the nonverbal signals babies give (restlessness, frown, grimace, flailing arms) and nip discomfort in the bud. This is what wise grandmothers do. Whatever babies “practice” in the early months and years creates pathways in the brain that will be used again and again. So if you want a disagreeable, uncooperative, aggressive child (and adult), let him cry. Otherwise, keep babies happy. Distressing a baby regularly will build a disagreeable child that will distress the community later <br /><br />Young babies need to breastfeed frequently as human breastmilk is thin but filled with the body’s building blocks which are needed often for optimal development. Babies also need to move a lot which helps them grow. So if you know the baby just had a good feed, then keep him calm with patting, bouncing, rocking. They expect the caregiver to be emotionally present with skin-to-skin contact so talk, sing, be. <br /><br />In the first four months of life, babies are likely to be more fussy (but that doesn’t mean they must cry). This is also the time period that seems to set the level of responsiveness between baby and caregiver that lasts for years after (according to our and Ruth Feldman’s research; Feldman, Greenbaum & Yirmiya, 1999). Caregivers should be especially attentive to when a young baby starts to fuss by noticing facial expression and gestures and offer preventative comfort that relaxes them again. Preventing crying in the first place is the goal (and ancient wisdom). <br /><br />A mother visited my class with a baby a few months old. We passed the baby around until he began to grimace. Then the mother took him, stood up and held him in her arm, stomach down and rocked and bounced him back and forth. He looked very content and remained quiet for the rest of the period. <br /><br />Now, I should say that if a caregiver is feeling so frustrated that she is ready to throw the baby against the wall, in that case it is best to leave the room and let the baby cry. (See Period of Purple Cry (link is external) for guidelines; and see these cautions.) But of course, it is best not to let such a regular crying pattern get established in the first days and weeks of life. <br /><br />3. Leave them alone (don’t) <br /><br />Solitary confinement is one of the worst things you can do to a human being and eventually leads to psychosis. <br /><br />Babies are built to be physically connected to caregivers. They do not understand why they are alone. Babies internalize a sense of wrongness and badness that will color their lives. <br /><br />Imagine being suddenly left alone in a strange land where you cannot move or take care of yourself. It would be terrifying, even if you understood what was going on. Why do this to a child? <br /><br />Children are mammals who rely on the companionship of adults to care for their needs until they can do it themselves. Although people talk as if you can force babies to learn independence, this is a delusion and an imaginary outcome. If you isolate babies, the opposite happens--they become whiney and needy or quiet and torn up inside, in both cases preoccupied with themselves. They internalize fear and insecurity and carry this with them into their attitudes towards caregivers and the world. This is how to grow a narcissist. What else can be expected? Isolation teaches them to think only of themselves. One of the hallmarks of people who don’t help others when they are in a situation of need is personal distress (Batson, 2011). Personal distress makes empathy and compassionate action very unlikely. Making babies stress reactive from undercare is a good way to build an easily distressed personality, and create a society of self-concerned folks. <br /><br />4. Not hold them whenever possible (please hold them) <br /><br />Babies are meant to be held. This should start immediately. First impressions of you and the world are fundamental. Can they relax into being? Learning a deep relaxation and sense of peace is what they will carry forward into life. If they don’t have a regular experience of relaxing into loving arms, they may never learn to relax and let go. Such a letting go is vital for health (Kabat-Zinn, 1991). <br /><br />When babies are physically apart from caregivers (not “in arms”), pain responses are activated, influencing the presence of various hormones and neuropeptides right when systems are beting established (Ladd, Owens & Nemeroff, 1996; Panksepp, 2003; Sanchez et al., 2001). Separation dysregulates multiple systems over the long term. For example, the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA), a part of the stress response system becomes dysregulated and hyperactive (Caldji, Tannenbaum, Sharma, et al., 1998; Levine, 1994; Plotsky & Meaney, 1993). Even a 3-hour daily separation (in infant mice—and human babies are much more needy and social) caused enough early life stress to induce epigenetic effects that heightened stress reactivity and caused deficits in memory function in adulthood (Murgatroyd & Spengler, 2009). Moreover, limited touch in early life leads to an underdevelopment of serotonin receptors, endogenous opioids and oxytocin—the chemicals that are related to happiness (Kalin, 1993; Meinischmidt & Heim, 2007). <br /><br />So don’t take untouched babies lightly. <br /><br />Babies should feel welcome in adult arms apart from the times they themselves feel the urge to explore (though a fearful toddler may sometimes need encouragement to explore). When babies want to explore, it should be allowed as much as possible. <br /><br />Here is an interesting anecdote. When an American was visiting an African village, she saw a young child reaching for the fire and automatically slapped his hand away. An African elder scolded her for doing so, saying, ‘if you do that you will have to watch him carefully for the rest of his life.’ That is, children need to learn about their own world without being overguarded or they will never learn to behave safely on their own. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Numbers 1-4 are punishing. I would actually call them baby torture. Babies are not meant to be without adult caring companionship at any time (and feel pain) and don’t grow as well without it. But there is one more specifically about intentional punishment of babies. <br /><br />5. Punish them (don’t) <br /><br />Some parents spank or hit their babies (almost 1/3 of 12 month olds in the USA are spanked, according to recent research (link is external)! This is very bad news. Corporal punishment might be an immediate release of frustration for the caregiver but, like most aggressive acts, it has long term negative effects. <br /><br />Recall that babies are learning what life is about from the way they are treated and what they practice. Punishment has several obvious damaging effects: <br /><br />(a) The baby will have less trust in a caregiver’s <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships">love</a> and care, as the caregiver is not safe to relax around; <br /><br />(b) The baby will have less trust in himself--caregivers have taught him that his urges are unimportant and even bad to have --talk about how to undermine self development!; <br /><br />(c) If caregivers punish babies for wanting to explore, they may undermine motivation for learning (affecting school achievement later); <br /><br />(d) The baby will learn that it’s best to suppress her interests around the caregiver, influencing communication with the caregiver; <br /><br />(e) A recent study of audio recordings of families show not only that parents are very impatient but that misbehavior increases after spanking (link is external). <br /><br />(f) Physiologically, punishment will activate the stress response, which is not advisable in early life when thresholds and parameters for functioning are being set. Such stress can permanently hyperactivate systems related to stress, undermining wellbeing and intellectual growth and making social relations more difficult. <br /><br />If you want to optimize a baby’s brain, health and wellbeing for the longterm don’t do these five things. <br /><br />Warm, responsive parenting is one of the best predictors of positive child outcomes (e.g., getting along with others, doing well in school). Responsive caregiving means attending to the individuality of the child in the particular situation. So caregivers have to be emotionally present, not distracted by their own worries, phones or work. <br /><br />“But I’m a tired, frustrated parent” <br /><br />Clearly babies take a lot of care to get them off to a good start. That’s why the adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is often mentioned. Yes, it takes more than one person (usually mom) or even two people (usually mom and dad) to meet one baby’s needs. So if you are a frustrated, tired parent, get help with caregiving. Here are just a few examples from experience but parents, please add suggestions: <br /><br />(a) Arrange gatherings with other families, exchange babysitting, share meal making and clean up. <br /><br />(b) Lower expectations for your personal goals. I remember hearing a mother say after several months of struggle that she learned to surrender to the needs of the baby. Taking care of baby’s needs is an investment you won’t regret. <br /><br />(c) If you can, have one parent or adult family member not work outside the home so she or he can focus on childcare (which should decrease stress). Apparently, stay-at-home mothering has been increasing (link is external). This is a good idea as long as parents don’t isolate themselves with their children. <br /><br />(d) Parenting is not meant to be a soloist affair. Parents should structure their lives around support systems. And everyone should all give parents help whenever possible. <br /><br />Babies follow built-in needs (see Ten Things Everyone Should Know About Babies). Deny them at the peril of making a less healthy, happy and agreeable child, and more problems for society.<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span>

Five Things NOT To Do To Babies

When I had a puppy, he hated to be ignored or left alone. At those times he would chew up the furniture. Babies hate these things too, but...

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The Science Of Betrayal

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc27VwXTpzmvJRHp-x-NiQMFezN4a290TibToSVXVX8EJNrOoXxDeRXzGwZ4eLY4jUtvh3FjPjwM5cKCJz7PfR0NMcWPgjJ9BNR9ky6ZjW3FgV1UAX5RwZeVcdlzgfJfDUADLTzegteBg/s1600/betrayal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="The Science Of Betrayal" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc27VwXTpzmvJRHp-x-NiQMFezN4a290TibToSVXVX8EJNrOoXxDeRXzGwZ4eLY4jUtvh3FjPjwM5cKCJz7PfR0NMcWPgjJ9BNR9ky6ZjW3FgV1UAX5RwZeVcdlzgfJfDUADLTzegteBg/s1600/betrayal.jpg" title="The Science Of Betrayal" width="596" /></a></div> <br /><br />Everyone is faced by betrayal at some point in life. Perhaps it’s a romantic partner who cheats or a friend who takes advantage of you. No matter how much this person apologizes, you can’t manage to tap into your inner reservoir of forgiveness. To ease your pain, you seek retribution if not revenge. <br /><br />It’s the violation of trust that’s at the root of betrayal. It makes sense, then, to try to identify where that feeling of trust comes from. According to Shuxia Yao and colleagues (2014), of the University of Electronic Science and Technology of China, trust involves oxytocin (link is external), a hormone manufactured by the brain’s hypothalamus that is involved in mother-infant bonding. However, oxytocin also acts more generally in social bonding and some believe it is a key component in the psychological experience of trust. <br /><br />Although we tend to think of trust as essential mainly to romantic relationships, Yao and her research team maintain, on the basis of previous research, that oxytocin is also involved in business or economic transactions. When you’re making a deal with someone, you want to know that the person you’re shaking hands with will come through on his or her end of the bargain. If not, there would be no point in making a deal. In business, as in romance, you also want to be sure that your partner will treat you fairly. We tend to presume that people will look out for their own best interests, but also that they, in turn, will respect yours. <br /><br />With this in mind, Yao et al. sought to determine if they could experimentally manipulate restoration of trust in people led to believe that they’d been the victims of a betrayal. Participants played an investment game in which they were told that if they gave money to their partners, all would stand to benefit. The partners weren’t visible to participants and, in fact, didn’t actually exist. The money was in a currency invented by the experimenters but to the participants, it felt real. <br /><br />The betrayal came about when only after giving away their money, did participants (the “trustors”) learn that their partners (the “trustees”) would give them nothing back in return instead of the tripled investment they believed they would receive. However, not all of the virtual partners betrayed the trustor; the experimental manipulation involved some partners committing the betrayal and some partners acting fairly. <br /><br />This was Part 1 of the study. Following the investment game, Yao and her team administered via a nosespray a dose of oxytocin (to one group of participants) or a dose of placebo (to the second group). Part 2 took place 45 minutes later when the experiment resumed. The researchers told participants that the trustees were asked to think over their behavior in Part 1 and change their actions if they so desired. Again, this was all experimentally manipulated as there were no actual trustees. In the trust restoration condition, the trustee gave the money back to the participant. In the apology condition, the trustee took responsibility for the unfair behavior and expressed remorse. In the fair and “nothing” conditions, the trustee said nothing. <br /><br />Now Round 2 of the investment game got underway. Participants once again could decide how much to invest in their partner. If trust was re-established, they should go ahead and invest away but if they’re still fuming over their unfair treatment, they’ll hold on to their experimental money. In fact, the trustors did tend to hand over the cash if the trustee apologized or gave back the initial investment, especially in the repayment condition. As Yao and team point out, if you want to right a financial wrong, the best way to do so is to give back the money you unfairly took. Apologies are nice, but they don’t pay the bills. <br /><br />What about the role of the brain’s trust chemical? If oxytocin is involved in trust, the trustors who took a whiff of the substance should show a stronger effect of trust restoration than those who sniffed placebo. Here’s where the study took a surprising turn. Among women (and not men), those in the oxytocin condition became less- not more- trusting after a betrayal. In fact, they were particularly less trusting in the trust restoration condition. They were, in other words, seeking revenge. Oxytocin did not have the same effect with the males in the study. And among women, the effect of betrayal was even stronger for those high in the general tendency to forgive others. As the authors conclude, “Thus in some contexts oxytocin may make normally forgiving women significantly less tolerant of broken trust” (p. 1791). <br /><br />These surprising findings suggest that oxytocin, though generally a trust enhancing chemical, makes women who are exposed to it, particularly those ordinarily disposed to forgiveness, more likely to seek revenge after betrayal. The reason that the effect was stronger for females than males could be, as the authors suggest, due to higher oxytocin levels in general in women. It’s possible that to reach similar levels of oxytocin to stimulate the trust betrayal reaction, men need higher doses. <br /><br />In summary, this fascinating study suggests that if you’re the victim of a betrayal, your brain and your personality may interact to make you want to seek revenge. It’s better not to betray someone at all. However, as the Yao and colleagues study suggests, if you’re the betrayer, the road to restored harmony may present some unexpected hazards.<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday </span>

The Science Of Betrayal

Everyone is faced by betrayal at some point in life. Perhaps it’s a romantic partner who cheats or a friend who takes advantage of you. No...

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5 Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHvAae4bPJv6GXmi_tbKldxExFCZY9eTLD1oK4RiDlHBfeW8GV5UX6ja3QPnAv2TkTAlDO1OMgeDtrD88fsuQqeO2LsgkSjGuFJJ9gmmKnqhLsTGrYWxpRBqUtb5tDUD-uBl3bAOWRVcc/s1600/broken+heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="5 Ways To Heal A Broken Heart" border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHvAae4bPJv6GXmi_tbKldxExFCZY9eTLD1oK4RiDlHBfeW8GV5UX6ja3QPnAv2TkTAlDO1OMgeDtrD88fsuQqeO2LsgkSjGuFJJ9gmmKnqhLsTGrYWxpRBqUtb5tDUD-uBl3bAOWRVcc/s1600/broken+heart.jpg" title="5 Ways To Heal A Broken Heart" width="640" /></a></div> <br /><br />Break-ups do a number on the self. It’s like taking a tree branch and snapping it in two: the “me” that you were is no longer whole: It’s splintered, painful, and in need of healing. How do <br /><br />you move from the sting that comes from the loss of a relationship to a healthy and happy self? <br /><br />Research in the field of relationship science offers these 5 suggestions: <br /><br /> <ul> <li>Rebuild the Self. </li> </ul> <br /> Evidence suggests that love facilitates self-growth, expanding and diversifying who you are (Aron & Aron, 1997). As you spend time together, the lines between you and your partner become blurred; your self-concept and partner-concept become inextricably intertwined. So it’s no surprise that when a relationship ends, people experience self-confusion (Slotter, Gardner, & Finkel, 2010) and self-contraction (Lewandowski, Aron, Bassis, & Kunak, 2006). Your sense of self actually shrinks. You might feel lost and unsure of who you are. The remedy? Start rebuilding. Rebuilding requires redefinition. It’s time to try new things and spend time with new people. Pursue the benefits of self-concept rediscovery. Evidence suggests that individuals who do not make progress on redefining and rediscovering themselves experience poorer psychological well-being and post-break up adjustment on a week-to-week basis (Mason, Law, Bryan, Portley, & Sbarra, 2012). One of the most important actions you can take to heal post-break up is to expose yourself to new people, challenges, and experiences.<br /><br /> <ul> <li>Break the Ties. </li> </ul> <br /> As hard as it might be, breaking up by actually breaking up may help post-relationship adjustment. Maintaining contact with a new ex-partner delays sadness recovery and slows the (necessary) decline in love (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). Perhaps attempts to rediscover and rebuild the self are stymied when a former partner is still actively part of one’s life.<br /><br /> <ul> <li>Try Exercise. </li> </ul> <br /> Stressful life events, like a break-up, produce a variety of depressive-like symptoms that can be difficult to manage. Evidence suggests that physical exercise can serve as an effective intervention, disrupting the link between such stressful life events and their potential consequences (e.g., mood problems, sleep issues, difficulty concentrating; O’Dougherty, Hearst, Syed, Kurzer, & Schmitz, 2012). While exercise may do little to curb your feelings of stress, the physical activity may buffer your depressive symptoms—an important step towards recovery.<br /> <br /> <ul> <li>Fake It. </li> </ul> <br /> Feeling sad is a natural response to a break-up, and although sadness declines over time (Sbarra & Emery, 2005), sometimes you need a life. If you’re looking to boost your happiness, try faking it. Called the facial feedback hypothesis, engaging in the physical, muscular act of smiling can send signals to your brain that you are happy. In other words, even though we think our mind is in charge of our smiles, the facial behavior of smiling can actually send happy signals to your brain, potentially improving your mood.<br /> <br /> <ul> <li>Rebound. </li> </ul> <br /> Rebound relationships get a bad rap, but their sour reputation is not based on empirical evidence. Instead, new research suggests that starting a new relationship fairly quickly post-break can be a healthy, even long-term, solution to the challenge of break-up recovery (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2015). People in rebound relationships see themselves as more desirable, are more “over” their ex-partners, and have greater overall well-being; indeed, less time between partners is linked to more self-esteem, less attachment anxiety, and less attachment avoidance. These findings suggest that starting something new sooner, rather than later, could be a productive next step towards a healthy and happy you.<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday </span>

5 Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

Break-ups do a number on the self. It’s like taking a tree branch and snapping it in two: the “me” that you were is no longer whole: It’s ...

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7 Research-Based Reasons Internet Dating Doesn't Work

<br />Romantic relationships play a huge part in our physical, social and emotional well-being. Having a good and successful relationship can promote better health (Cohen, Frank, Doyle, Skoner, Rabin, & Gwaltney, 1998), and even aid in faster recovery from illnesses (Kiecolt-Glaser, Loving, Stowell, Malarkey, Lemeshow, Dickinson, & Glaser, 2005). Not surprisingly then, most of us seek to find a romantic relationship in which we can be happy. However, should we resort to online dating for the purpose of this? Here are seven reasons why maybe we shouldn't. <br /> <br /> <br /><img alt="7 Research-Based Reasons Internet Dating Doesn't Work" height="261" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/Shutterstock-Alphaspirit.jpg?itok=a3HSJ5Vj" title="7 Research-Based Reasons Internet Dating Doesn't Work" width="400" /> <br /><br />1. We make bad decisions <br /><br />Internet dating sites offer us a vast array of potential date choices. Furthermore, we sign up to several sites at the same time, then the choice increases. The luxury of this may initially seem appealing, but in reality when faced with making decisions about which item to choose from a large number, we are more prone to make erroneous decisions. This is because we invoke different and sometimes less cognitively taxing decision making strategies when choosing from a large array (as with online dating) than when we choose on a one to one basis in real life. The consequences are that we may end up making the wrong choice. Our decisions are also affected by the way in which choices are presented to us, and in online dating choices are certainly presented differently to how they would be presented in real life. <br /><br />2. We only get a part impression <br /><br />In face to face interactions we form impressions of others based on their general demeanour and other more subtle behavioural characteristics. The more information with which we are presented, the easier it becomes to form impressions of others. However, dating profiles present us with only fairly superficial information about our potential matches, which means that we are not seeing or being presented with the person as a whole. Consequently, the information which we gleam from an online profile gives us very little to go on in determining how someone may actually behave in real life. <br /><br />3. Matching does not work <br /><br />Despite the old maxim that opposites attract, the research evidence suggests otherwise, and we are more likely to become attracted to people who are similar to ourselves. If this is the case, it would seem a good idea to use a dating site which catered for our specific interests and demographic group (for instance, there are now sites catering for very specific groups, Amishdatingservice.co.uk, Glutenfreesingles.com). Some online dating sites go even further and purport to connect people by getting their users to complete batteries of psychometric tests with the objective of matching them on the characteristics where they may be compatible. However, there is little if any real evidence that such matching formula actually work in practice. Therefore the best we can hope for is to be matched in terms of our interests. <br /><br />4. People are not what they seem <br /><br />There is now abundant evidence that people quite happily and readily misrepresent how they advertise themselves in online dating sites. For example Witty and Carr (2004) noted that people misrepresent characteristics such as their appearance, age, weight, socio-economic status and interests. It was also reported that a staggering 13.3% of males and 6.7% of females even chose to misrepresent their relationship status, which rather points to the fact that we may end up meeting someone who are totally different to how they have described themselves. It has also been noted that males tend to over report their height in online dating, and consistently suggest that they are taller than they really are. <br /><br />More seriously, in addition to misrepresenting the truth in online dating, criminals actually set up spoof profiles with the intention of praying on and extracting money from vulnerable people who use online dating. <br /><br />5. Be wary of online chat <br /><br />Before meeting face to face, we may engage in a period of online chat. Walster (1996) suggested that online communication can be hyperpersonal, meaning that we are more likely to disclose information about ourselves, and do so more quickly online. Research has consistently shown that we like people more the more they disclose to us, and similarly we are more likely to like those to whom we disclose. Because we disclose more and have others disclose more to us in an online environment, this can lead to more of an illusion of liking someone more than can realistically be the case. The consequence of this is that our expectations are raised before a face-to-face meeting, where in reality we may end up being disappointed. <br /><br />6. Online is not necessarily a quick way <br /><br />People use online dating sites for one reason, which is to meet others. Therefore we must have some expectation or hope that this will indeed be the case, and furthermore (especially if we are paying for the service) that results will be immediate. Therefore individuals not only spend their money signing up to online dating sites, but they also invest considerable time on this activity. For example, Mitchell (2009) suggested that Internet daters spend an average of 22 minutes each time they visit an online dating site, while Frost, Chance, Norton and Ariely (2008) noted that those who used online dating spent 12 hours per week on this. Given all of this, if results are not forthcoming then it is possible that users may give up and stop using the site. Even though it might take time to get results, typically some people sign up for a period of only one or two months and then lose interest. There is also the question of a kind of ‘site shelf-life’ If you are on a site for too long (not successful in meeting someone), then maybe people will start to wonder why. <br /><br />7. Will it work in reality? <br /><br />It is quite likely that many of your matches on a dating site may be geographically distant. Attraction research has repeatedly shown that proximity is a strong predictor of a sustainable relationship, therefore geographically distant relationships may be rather more difficult to sustain unless one person is prepared to move. Baker (2002) reported that those people who went on to form long lasting and sustainable relationships with others after meeting online, were those who were prepared to compromise and possibly move house or job, presumably suggesting that those who weren't willing to do this, did not end up with more permanent relationships. This finding presents a big question for the effectiveness of online dating.<br /><br />It may be argued that online dating companies really don't want us to meet our soulmates, they would rather us keep coming back again and again to use their sites, and this way they make more money. <br /><br />Having said all of that, online dating sites may be of benefit for some good reasons. For example, there are some individuals who may not otherwise have found partners had it not been for the services of the online dating industry (older individuals, those with mobility problems and those who may be socially phobic).<br /><br />The choice is yours, but just note that online dating is no panacea.<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday </span>

7 Research-Based Reasons Internet Dating Doesn't Work

Romantic relationships play a huge part in our physical, social and emotional well-being. Having a good and successful relationship can pr...

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Love Is A Roller Coaster

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcplKQ9_Qq4fCjSXaBBdia9lKxJZ2GPRwMTUG_AU2ThN-SidNr_nU9rrMEsWr-O80DunNv8dmssLswuBc91uh3v0wJ_5BBRXyQABxhG4A6SATnqVmSZPAKTe6PGnh_6V4D4AW8t22HSKM/s1600/Demon_Roller_Coaster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Love Is A Roller Coaster" border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcplKQ9_Qq4fCjSXaBBdia9lKxJZ2GPRwMTUG_AU2ThN-SidNr_nU9rrMEsWr-O80DunNv8dmssLswuBc91uh3v0wJ_5BBRXyQABxhG4A6SATnqVmSZPAKTe6PGnh_6V4D4AW8t22HSKM/s1600/Demon_Roller_Coaster.jpg" title="Love Is A Roller Coaster" width="640" /></a></div> <br /><br /><br />Gravity, freefall, potential energy, and kinetic energy are all a part of the physics of roller coasters and, metaphorically, of romantic relationships.Here are 4 lessons about love's roller coaster ride: <br /><ul> <li>Recognize that the first climb in a relationship or roller coaster is the most difficult – winning the attention and heart of another is seldom as easy as we would like.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Be aware that the first freefall is also the most exciting – the most potential energy is created during the first climb, so that first descent is the most breathtaking and heart racing.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>The freefall feeling is not going to last forever, be prepared to fuel the relationship if it loses its momentum.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Lastly, if the twists and turns are not handled well, just as with a roller coaster, a relationship can quickly derail – be prepared for and responsive to potentially risky situations.</li> </ul> <br />Perhaps too many metaphors actually surround romance, sexual attraction, and true love. Depending on where you are in a relationship, your mind may entertain images of Cupid’s bow and arrow; animal magnetism; a moth to the flame; carrying the torch for someone; or two halves of a whole. And most of us are overly aware of the “ups and downs” of life and the truth in the saying that “the course of true love never runs smooth.” Thus, the roller coaster metaphor may be among the more accurate. <br /><br />In listening to clients reveal their romantic hopes and heartaches over the years in counseling sessions, it’s clear that reveling in the “freefall of romance” requires a “climb,” much like the physics involved in roller coaster rides. The first hill surmounted by a coaster is generally the highest – this can be likened to wooing or being wooed by your partner. It takes a lot of effort, just as Miley Cyrus sang in her pop hit, “The Climb.” From a full-on standstill to reaching the peak is the toughest part of the journey. <br /><br />As the peak of a hill is reached, or a romantic flame is lit, the amount of potential energy is at its highest – this is that delightful period in which a couple feels that they are soulmates and can conquer anything together. Next, as the thrilling freefall begins, the potential energy is transformed kinetic energy – which is built as the coaster falls back towards earth. This is an exciting time, as you feel a powerful new source of energy in the relationship – freefalling is exciting as you tumble through space as if propelled by love. <br /><br />However, once the riders or lovers land back on earth, the energy that was created during the fall will only take them so far. Either the ride and relationship peters out or further climbs and descents must happen to keep momentum moving them forward. On the flip side, sadly, the higher the climb, if the romance falls apart or "bottoms out," the harder the fall. Whether you are 16 or 61, a broken heart is just as painful! <br /><br />Gravity keeps us in our seats and keeps us grounded, but the ups and downs of romance and life give us the thrills that keep us hoping the ride doesn’t end too soon. While objects in motion tend to stay in motion, as Sir Isaac Newton revealed, relationships require a push and a shove and a climb every now and then, as well, to keep it moving forward. <br /><br />To get that freefall feeling back into your relationship, you may need to expend some energy first. Just because you’ve been around the track once or twice doesn’t necessarily mean the ride has lost its power to thrill. Be willing to invest the energy needed to keep the relationship energized and full of joy.<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span>

Love Is A Roller Coaster

Gravity, freefall, potential energy, and kinetic energy are all a part of the physics of roller coasters and, metaphorically, of romantic ...

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10 Ways to Feel Closer To Those Closest To You

<div class="blog__header page-header"> <br /><div class="fb-like-button"> <div class="fb-like fb_iframe_widget" data-action="like" data-href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/10-ways-feel-closer-those-closest-you" data-layout="button_count" data-share="false" data-show-faces="false"> <span style="height: 20px; vertical-align: bottom; width: 83px;"></span></div> </div> </div> <div class="insertArea"> <div class="image-article-inline-half"> <div class="insert-inner"> <div class="insert-image"> <img alt="Dragon Images/Shutterstock" height="266" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/shutterstock_112543256.jpg?itok=B9FzHchb" title="Dragon Images/Shutterstock" width="400" /></div> </div> </div> </div> <br />Want to fix a relationship (link is external) and get closer to your children, sister or brother, parents, or friends? Feeling close to our loved ones feels good. It's neurochemical; each moment of connection spurts oxytocin into your system. Oxytocin is a chemical your body generates that: makes you feel good; promotes bonding; and enhances your sense of self-confidence and security. <br /><br />Secure close-feeling attachments with friends and family members are enhanced when we do things together. Oxytocin rises in our body at these times, giving us a sense of safety, of belonging, of feeling valued, and of being part of something bigger than ourselves. <br /><br />As fellow PT blogger Loretta Breuning writes, even animals like to feel connected. Their oxytocin leads them to pair-bond and form packs, flocks, and troops because being connected with others helps with finding food, raising offspring, and surviving predators. <br /><br />So how can you enhance your friendship and family connections for all-the-more secure feelings of closeness? <br /><br />Start by clearing the state if there are any negatives you've been fostering, like criticizing or being irritable. Apologize for these, and figure out how to cease doing them in the future. The residue from hostile interactions can block positive energy from being welcomed. <br /><br />Once potential blockages have been cleaned up, you're ready to increase the shared words, activities, and body contact that can enhance feelings of connection, and of being special to each other. Here are 10 ways to get there: <br /> <br /> <ul> <li>Words. Talking together helps people feel closer. Interweaving ideas creates a sense of partnership. So does sharing information about more private feelings like fears, concerns, and affection. When people say, "We have a great relationship," it usually means, "We like to talk with each other." Pay particular attention to sentence starters that send positive vibes like, "I agree," and "Yes..." These words weave you together as you talk. So do questions about others' thoughts and feelings, especially if your questions begin with How or What: "How do you feel about...?" What's your thinking about ...?"</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Verbalize the positives that you think or feel. Expressions of gratitude glue all relationships closer—parent-child, friends, couples, and spouses. So do expressions of agreement. (For more on positivity in relationships, see my post on 10 Ways to Radiate Positivity.)</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Shared time in almost any activities enhances bonds. Painting a room puts two people in close physical proximity in addition to giving them a shared project. Cooking, eating, and cleaning up together all intensify feelings of partnership. Sitting on a child's bed at night is an especially high-impact moment for bonding.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Enjoyment Any kind of shared fun builds closeness. People who laugh together like being together. Enjoyment doesn't need to cost money; it's not dependent on "entertainment," though doing together things that are entertaining can do the trick. Hanging out after dinner and sharing stories of what each of you did during the day can work just as well.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Newness and fright. Slightly anxiety-producing activities, and any activities that feature newness, like going to a different restaurant, or travel, have an especially strong bonding impact.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Helping each other strengthens bonds. “Here, let me carry those grocery bags,” goes a long way to enhancing partnership feelings. As my astute sister recently said to me regarding how long it is taking me to stop tearing up when I think about my father, who died last year, "We feel especially close to those we take care of."</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Skin-to-skin. An arm around your loved one's shoulder, a touch of hands, standing or even sleeping side-by-side, or a bit of cheek-to-cheek pleasure, all induce increases in affection and connection.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Eye contact. Eyes that meet are especially potent inducers of a spurt of oxytocin, the chemical that creates feelings of connection. How often to you look straight into the eyes of your loved ones? Maybe try to add eye-kissing to your exit and re-entry routines in the morning and evening?</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Shared smiles. Smiling, especially with simultaneous eye contact, increases feelings of closeness.</li> </ul> <ul> <li>For couples, sexual enjoyment. When loved ones are a couple, the ultimate producer of oxytocin is from activity that connects them sexually. If sexual activity decreases to excessive infrequency, or dies off altogether, beware: It then becomes critical to pump up all the other ways of connecting, lest the core connection itself wither and become too frail.</li> </ul> <br /> <br /> <br /><img height="400" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/Fotosearch_k9315642.jpg?itok=vxBn2_53" width="266" /><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span>

10 Ways to Feel Closer To Those Closest To You

Want to fix a relationship (link is external) and get closer to your children, sister o...

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If You Judge People, You Have No Time To Love Them

<br /><div class="fb-like-button"> <div class="fb-like fb_iframe_widget" data-action="like" data-href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-gift-maybe/201504/if-you-judge-people-you-have-no-time-love-them" data-layout="button_count" data-share="false" data-show-faces="false"> <span style="height: 20px; vertical-align: bottom; width: 81px;"></span></div> </div> <div class="insertArea"> <div class="image-article-inline-half"> <div class="insert-inner"> <div class="insert-image"> <img alt="Fotolia, used with permission" height="267" src="https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/Fotolia_37091409_XS_0.jpg?itok=yS7C5nqk" title="Fotolia, used with permission" width="400" /></div> <div class="subtext insertArea--origin"> <br /></div> </div> </div> A friend of mine just moved away. We weren't very close and one of the reasons was that I found it very difficult to be with her. She was often complaining about her ex-husband being the cause of all her problems, she was always starting new businesses that she never followed through on and I was not always clear if she was telling the truth. After she left town, I was sitting with a group of women and these women also thought my friend was complicated, but they all had amazing stories of great times with her. She was very spontaneous, funny and loved to go out and live it up. She was also very dedicated to her children. And yet I could not recall one moment that I had with her that was interesting or fun. </div> <br />Later that day I came across the Mother Teresa quote, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Although I was always trying to help my friend, I realized my judgments about her had interfered with my enjoyment of her company. I am not really sure that I was ever present for her. Was she difficult? Absolutely, but my judgments about what she “needed to do to improve her life” kept me from having a more loving and enjoyable relationship even for just an evening or a moment. <br /><br />Our judgments interfere with many of our relationships. They give us a sense of righteousness, but sometimes all that is really happening is that we are not getting what we want from the other person or they are not doing what we think is best for them. In fact, judging someone is an easy path. It is much more challenging to be loving, accepting and kind when the person in front of us is not acting the way we want them to. The act of loving is going beyond our “likes and dislikes” and surrendering our judgments so we can freely share our love with another person and celebrate their magnificence and not their failings. <br /><br />I'm not suggesting that we ignore the truth about how we feel someone acted towards us or how they acted in a particular situation, but that instead we also allow ourselves to see the whole person. Often we will find there is so much beauty when we are less judgmental and more loving. We can enjoy the essence of another person and the moment we are sharing together. <br /><br />So even if we find our mother-in-law is difficult, our best friend is opinionated or our children are not listening or doing well in school, let's try not to miss out on enjoying what we can with each of them. What could be more important about being human than sharing the warmth and love that resides in our heart? As for my friend, I don’t regret trying to help her, but maybe when she comes back to town we can go out and just enjoy each other's company! It could be a blast!<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday </span>

If You Judge People, You Have No Time To Love Them

A friend of mine just moved away. We weren't very close and one of the reasons was that I found it very difficult t...

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5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Unfollowing Or Unfriending Your Ex

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkfZpRMzFFAW6L4hOH1h_zmesTDDD04wEyzC6NdzHn_ptGrZLIGbD6SeEyXjyL6Xmkudl3yg3D6MRXty2Mx7WX91ts9220uWC6LuMFZMA3rBk2XAMf2HhOavy4CLc1anV_igHbRpjfG1w/s1600/unfollow.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Unfollowing Or Unfriending Your Ex" border="0" height="448" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkfZpRMzFFAW6L4hOH1h_zmesTDDD04wEyzC6NdzHn_ptGrZLIGbD6SeEyXjyL6Xmkudl3yg3D6MRXty2Mx7WX91ts9220uWC6LuMFZMA3rBk2XAMf2HhOavy4CLc1anV_igHbRpjfG1w/s1600/unfollow.png" title="5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Unfollowing Or Unfriending Your Ex" width="640" /></a></div> <br /> <br /> <br /> It's been a week since your relationship ended. You see that your ex has liked another person's Instagram picture and posted a picture of himself out at a party-- it makes you feel both sad and angry. Would it be better to just unfollow him once and for all? <br /> <br /> Many of the articles about unfriending or unfollowing your ex on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram prescribe rules and should’s: You should shut your ex out to get your ex back (link is external). You should unfriend your ex to move on (link is external). You should stop using social media to heal faster. <br /> <br /> But the truth is that studies haven’t proven that disconnecting with your ex online will necessarily make the breakup easier. A 2012 study (link is external) of 464 young Facebook users, with an average age of 21 and primarily women (84%), found that staying friends with an ex on Facebook was associated with a more difficult emotional recovery from the breakup and less personal growth. However, the big caveat is that this study does not prove causation, only association—that is, remaining friends on Facebook does not necessarily lead to a more difficult post-breakup period or lessen the ability to move on. It is equally possible that people who tend to experience more difficult breakups are more likely to stay friends with their ex online. <br /> <br /> These articles that say you must unfriend or that you should do it in order to get your ex back miss a deeper, more fundamental point—that a critical part of recovering and navigating the aftermath of a breakup is focusing on and figuring out what is right for you (and not for the sake of making an impact on your ex, your ex’s new partner, or for anyone else for that matter). <br /> <br /> In my opinion, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether you should defriend or unfollow your ex because every relationship has a different story that can change over time, and every individual has a unique and authentic way of being and responding. Even how you feel toward the breakup can vary during breakup, one week, one month, or one year later. Perhaps at the beginning of the breakup, you want to achieve more separation by disconnecting online with your ex, but maybe a year later, whether or not you’re friends online may not have a huge impact on your life either way. What matters is that each moment along the way your decisions are truly your own, and that each step brings you closer to what you need. <br /> <br /> During periods of loss and hurt, you would think that our minds would naturally offer ourselves more compassion and empowerment. But often break-ups are processed as failures and can spur questions about the past or future like: What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented this? How could I have not seen this coming? How can I get my ex back? Can someone else tell me what I should or shouldn’t do to make this right again? <br /> <br /> But, especially if the breakup was not your decision, you have already just been through the pain of having someone else decide for you what is right for your life, and you may feel like you did not have your voice heard or that you lost some sense of control over your own direction. It's ok to take a moment to pause and give yourself the space and time to figure out what you need. <br /> <br /> This can be a very challenging shift for many people. The realization that you have the power to decide what is right for you--to offer yourself compassion, kindness, trust to decide-- might seem remote and almost impossible. More often than not, for a lot of people, it is more familiar to beat yourself up about the past or worry about the future. <br /> <br /> Here are five questions to help connect with what you need and then to help you decide if unfollowing/ unfriending your ex online makes sense for you. <br /> <br /> 1. What do I need? <br /> <br /> I put this question first because it’s truly important to spend time to explore what it means for you. You might find that you have different needs at different times during the breakup and afterwards. It is really easy to forget that what you need for yourself should be the driving force behind your path. <br /> <br /> Most of the time, the decision about whether to unfol<span id="goog_976965255"></span><span id="goog_976965256"></span>low your ex online is actually a decision about yourself and what you need. Do you need more distance, privacy, or boundaries? Do you need more understanding of what happened? Or do you need more friendship or reassurance that you will still be part of each other’s lives? Do you need to keep your connection in order to keep a part of your past alive? <br /> <br /> 2. Why do I want to disconnect from my ex online? What would I be getting out of staying connected online? Will defriending or unfollowing my ex get me closer to or further from what I need? <br /> <br /> If you are feeling like you need more distance from your ex, will defriending your ex get you more separation? If you feel like you need more understanding of what happened, will staying friends to be able to look at your ex’s profile bring you the information that you seek? And with that information, would you be getting closer to the closure you wish for? <br /> <br /> 3. What does unfriending/unfollowing my ex mean to me? Am I trying to communicate something? If so, are there other ways of arriving at my destination that do not involve social media? <br /> <br /> Maybe you’re afraid that your ex will unfriend or unfollow you first, so you decide you need to react preemptively. Or perhaps you are frustrated that your ex isn’t answering your texts or emails anymore, and you want to show your ex you're angry. <br /> <br /> It can be more effective to be direct in expressing your emotions in a conversation with your ex instead. Using unfriending/unfollowing as a way to signal being upset or angry can lead to more waiting and more frustration if you feel like they don’t get your point. <br /> <br /> 4. What is getting in the way of what I need? <br /> <br /> Often there are barriers towards moving forward. Have you decided you need more separation, but you can't hit unfollow because it feels permanent? Is it difficult to let go of the last sense of being included in your ex’s life? Perhaps you hesitate to take that step because you still want to see what your ex is doing or that you want to check if your ex has moved on. Ask yourself, do these barriers keep you from getting closer to what you really want? Are you fulfilling your needs in the big picture or just satisfying a short term curiosity that feeds the hurt? <br /> <br /> 5. How do I feel after my decision? <br /> <br /> It’s helpful to continue to keep tabs on how you feel after your decision. Is it working in the way that you hoped? You might find that time changes what you need. If you thought you wanted to block your ex but decide later you don’t want you, you can change that. You’re allowed to change your mind. <br /> <br /> In the aftermath of a breakup, it can be difficult to figure out exactly what you need. By letting yourself figure it out over time without self-judgment, you can be back on the path towards personal growth and groundedness—whether or not your ex stays in your Twitter feed or not.<br /> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span>

5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Unfollowing Or Unfriending Your Ex

It's been a week since your relationship ended. You see that your ex has liked another person's Instagram picture and posted a ...

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How To Find Real Love

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87Ft__O-VNqcQKt2L9cjGbCQfjdBCZ9CXQcOBkTfEYqUDJkCJqTtBX2GgvWwEPJ4eY_WT6ZFXBqAgbu50qxhbimTU5kSUwcctkWKDtLRwkbaA5QL1H1ugEy_SIoq_9_OOma08xd7eISw/s1600/daye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="How To Find Real Love" border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg87Ft__O-VNqcQKt2L9cjGbCQfjdBCZ9CXQcOBkTfEYqUDJkCJqTtBX2GgvWwEPJ4eY_WT6ZFXBqAgbu50qxhbimTU5kSUwcctkWKDtLRwkbaA5QL1H1ugEy_SIoq_9_OOma08xd7eISw/s1600/daye.jpg" title="How To Find Real Love" width="640" /></a></div> <br /><br />Many people want to be in relationships without really having a clue what it is all about or what they're all about. <br /><br />Real love is akin to getting married, having babies or even getting a dog. Many people have some romantic fantasy about all these things without looking at the work involved or the responsibility or the commitment required. Some think more about the dj they want at the wedding, the theme colors for the wedding, the gurgling and happy baby or the fun-loving puppy. They don’t think about how to live with a person every day, dealing with a colicky baby keeping you up all night or a “mouthy” puppy who ate the sofa. Each of these wonderful things have another side that you must acknowledge going in, or else you will fail at them. Divorce rates run high, dogs are dropped off at shelters and cranky babies are often ignored or, worse, mistreated. One reason is that the responsibility inherent in marriage, parenthood and pet ownership is often ignored in exchange for the "fun" idealized version of these things.<br /><br />Being able to love and be loved for many years in a good and healthy way takes work. It takes resisting urges and pandering to basic instincts. It's about making a decision not to do things that would wreck your relationship or hurt your partner. And that includes things like calling someone a name, being selfish when you need to help out, not acknowledging or caring about any of your partner's needs, and having an affair. It includes big and little things. Love is an action, love is work and love is a decision.<br /><br />It doesn't take work to be in a dysfunctional relationship or to take someone hostage. People do it all the time...sick relationships are the same old same old over and over again. Taking someone hostage or allowing yourself to be taken hostage is boring and predictable. It might be chaotic, destructive and dramatic, but again, boring...same old same old.<br /><br />To love someone, REALLY love someone who really loves you is about being a good and sane and supportive and caring partner...knowing how to understand and compromise...knowing to accept your partner for who he or she is without trying to change them.<br /><br />It's not about taking someone away from that which they love or those which they love. It's not about co-signing their craziness with the world...it's not about being locked into some strange desperation with each other, hoping and praying that no one cracks the shell. Too many sick relationships depend on each person convincing the other that the world is out to get one or both of them.<br /><br />Both Getting Past Your Breakup and Getting Back Out There emphasize that real love is anENLARGING experience and sick or dysfunctional love is a NARROWING experience. And anything that is enlarging comes with work and responsibilities. Responsibility to self and to another. A couple must support each other's hopes, dreams, and aspirations.<br /><br />GBOT outlines what a healthy relationship looks like. If you're not there yet, you can start to work on what you will and will not do to nurture yourself and your idea of what a healthy relationship is. There are some things you can do that will GUARANTEE a healthy relationship:<br /><br />1. To find the right person, be the right person. Before you get back into a relationship, build your life. Do your grief work. Finish your unfinished business. Become OBJECTIVEabout what went wrong in your last relationship and the relationships before that. Do your relationship inventory and your life inventory. You must discover the patterns and habits that torpedoed your previous relationships before you get into a new one. If you're in a relationship and you're trying to salvage it or save it, you must figure out and heal that which has been hurting you and your relationship. Not just you but both of you. If one partner changes, the other partner is forced to change or leave. You cannot maintain the status quo when one of you chooses to change.<br /><br />2. To be the right person and to find real love, you must develop your boundaries. Know what you stand for before you have to stand for it. Is an affair a deal breaker? Porn addiction? Pot addiction? Getting drunk and sloppy? Forgetting to call? Standing you up? Not being financially stable? Not paying child support? Not holding a job? Not being honest? What? What will you NOT stand for? You have to know this BEFORE you are tested. You have to be able to say, "If x happens, I am out of here without argument."<br /><br />Make sure you know what would be a deal breaker for you is and then make sure you break the deal if it happens...not three times or two times but ONE TIME. Make sure you are committed to walking away the first time a deal breaker happens. If there are other things that you think deserve a second chance then commit to walking away the second time or if it's a three-time rule, then three times. But after 3 times, you're basically lying to yourself. Learn to walk away for what you believe in. Otherwise you'll just be stuck in dysfunction again and bargaining with yourself in order to accept what you shouldn't accept.<br /><br />3. Real love communicates in a healthy way. Name calling is out. Blaming and nitpicking is out. Accusations are out. Learn to begin sentences with "I feel" or "I think" or "In my opinion," and be with others who communicate similarly. Don't let anyone project onto you what you are thinking or feeling. Don't defend yourself against that which you're not doing. There is much game playing in dysfunctional relationships. Healthy relationships are about forthright and honest communication, not game playing, unbridled criticism or one upmanship. The only way to win in relationships is not to play a game.<br /><br />4. Real love requires goals and aspirations, both individually and as a couple. You have to have plans and dreams and agree on the future. You must help each other fulfill your hopes and dreams as individuals and as a couple. Figure out what you've always wanted to do and do it. Find out what your partner wants in life and out of life. Figure out, early on, if you can and will support each other in achieving everything you've always wanted as a person and as a couple. It is important that you figure this out very early on. You could get to a place in your relationship where you find that your hopes and dreams and what you want for your life is opposed to what your partner wants. You have to find this out early because it's so important to have a support in life and to be able to support your partner's hopes and dreams as well as to have common aspirations for you as a couple.<br /><br />5. As a prelude to finding real love, learn to be discriminating in all your relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers. Learn to make choices and not just let friendships and professional relationships "happen." Don't spend time with family just because they're family. Choose to only have those in your life who are loving, respectful, honest and open, and care about you. Choose people who KNOW trust is earned and once broken, it's next to impossible to get it back. Choose people who do not keep you guessing. Choose people that you don't need to wonder "Gee, what does that behavior mean?" or "How do they really feel?" or "Do they miss me?" or "Do they love me?"<br /><br />Choose people who say what they mean and mean what they say. Choose people who are not ambivalent about you or their relationship with you. Insist on dedication and commitment and if it's not there, say goodbye. Don't put up with people who say, "I'm confused." or "I don't know." or "I gotta be me." or "You're a problem." or "I want to be a good partner, but I don't know how." You get what you put up with. If you want less nonsense in your life, stop putting up with nonsense. If you start by ferreting out those in your life who are not romantic partners, you will find it easier to reject those who will not make good and healthy partners for you. Real love is discriminating and insists upon loving treatment no matter what.<br /><br />6. STOP BEING A VICTIM. Stop thinking you have no control over what happens TO you. It doesn't just happen without your permission. Take some control over your own life. Most people who are stuck in sick patterns (including me when I was) are stuck in a mudpit of denial, justification and rationalization. Learn to call yourself on your own rationalizations. Stop believing your own justifications and rationalizations that keep you stuck and "victimized." No one is going to feel sorry for you and no one should. You need to untangle yourself from any need you might have to be pitied. You might not even realize it, but if you find yourself telling stories in which you were taken advantage of or someone did you wrong and the stories are to generate sympathy, stop and realize that going through as a victim is not attractive to healthy people. Take charge of your life and yourself and what happens to you day in and day out.<br /><br />7. Live with PURPOSE. Spend some quiet time alone each day without interruption to think about your life and how it's structured. Think about what you need to do to "get better" in different areas. Learn to meditate by getting quiet and relaxing. Meditation is not sitting on a pillow going "ohmmmm," it's just learning to calm down and go inward without distraction. Living purposefully is the opposite of living randomly. It's about thinking about what you're doing when you're doing it. It's about not looking at your phone every 10 minutes, it's about not mindlessly surfing the internet or checking Facebook 200 times a day. It's about having your head where your feet are. Look around you, see what's going on where you are at this very minute.<br /><br />Learn to be disciplined and control your urges from being tied to your phone, to diving into ice cream when you're not happy to not doing many things without really thinking about it . It's about doing the "tough" things like sitting with your feelings, going to the gym or dentist and eating healthy. Spend some time each day thinking about your impulses and your somewhat mindless behavior and ways in which you can improve in self-control and self-discipline. Quiet time each day is so important to building a healhty life. Try to stretch it out. Set goals for yourself in building the amount of time you can spend every day in quiet meditation and purposeful action and purposeful inaction. Having a say in everything you do and everything you don't do is important to being healthy and being capable of giving and receiving real love.<br /><br />It is also important, when you do get to a relationship, to continue to cultivate this practice and to have your own "me time" and alone time each and every day.<br /><br />8. Know that real love does not hurt. Yes there are misunderstandings and upsets and disappointments in every relationship but in healthy relationships they are not a regular happening. Real love and really loving relationships are consistent and not always that easy but they tend to run smoothly because everyone is working at it. If it's a hassle, it doesn't need to be that way. Know that life and love can and should run smoothly most of the time. Love is what helps you deal with the curves that life throws at you. It's not what makes things more difficult. Love, real love, is support in a crazy world, not something that makes your life even crazier. Real love gives each other the benefit of the doubt without being a fool about it. Pick your battles and don't fight over everything. Don't be with people who turn everything into an argument or a challenge. It's exhausting and doesn't need to be that way. Healthy people find that mind numbing and refuse to live that way.<br /><br />9. Real love does not ask us to sacrifice that which we love. Not our interests, not our hobbies, not our people...friends and family. If someone is asking you to do that, it's not healthy and not good for you. If you're willing to do that without even being asked, even worse. <br /><br />It's normal to be cocoon'd in a new relationship but after a short period of time, you have to get back to the things and the people you love. Keep your life balanced and full of that which you love and those whom you love. If you give up what you love and the people you love, you will look around one day and realize you can't leave this relationship because you have nothing else. You may need to rework the ratios of how much time you give to each of your interests and loved ones, but it's important that nothing is treated as an afterthought or something that you could live without.<br /><br />10. The most important thing to know about real love is that love is an action from you and to you. NO MATTER WHAT. And act it and insist on it every single day. Every single day, whether in a relationship or not, you must affirm that love is what you do, not what you say, and you must insist upon it with everyone in your life. If it's a "non-love" relationship (i.e. professional), respect is an action and you must be treated with respect in all your relationships.<br /><br />Stop idealizing love. Forget movies and music and poetry. Real love is a complicated reality based on a very simple concept: love is an action. It is what you DO, not what you say. Love is the way you treat someone. Love is being a good friend and a good partner to someone you are romantically involved with. It's about showing someone you love how you feel each and every day. Mistreating someone and saying, "You know I love you..." is not okay to do or to accept. If you love someone, you do not mistreat or disrespect them. If you live by the notion that "love is an action," you will never ever ever get go wrong.<br /><br />If people understood what real love entailed they would be less inclined to go in and out of relationships where they will experience anything but...<br /><br />Use your time OUT of a relationship wisely...to build what you need to be IN a healthy relationship...and then build it.<div> <br /><div> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">credit:psychologytoday</span></div> </div>

How To Find Real Love

Many people want to be in relationships without really having a clue what it is all about or what they're all about. Real love is akin...

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How to Deal With a Cheating Boyfriend

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVMGoDkhfzRZ9r-wS9rC7LCKViVTssfHpcPc_r5wpzwv0nwryCVBufVleuEm6xOjQH5xwBfyck48ShH0Fc0HTMYmCz1Hq7RPLcFkl2UolOPDKyExVTAqdjlzKpdgt49UT0ymqbjrJPxrqG/s1600/cheating-man.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="How to Deal With a Cheating Boyfriend" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVMGoDkhfzRZ9r-wS9rC7LCKViVTssfHpcPc_r5wpzwv0nwryCVBufVleuEm6xOjQH5xwBfyck48ShH0Fc0HTMYmCz1Hq7RPLcFkl2UolOPDKyExVTAqdjlzKpdgt49UT0ymqbjrJPxrqG/s1600/cheating-man.jpeg" title="How to Deal With a Cheating Boyfriend" /></a></div> <br /> Cheating may be a deal-breaker in your relationship, or it may not, depending on the circumstances. There are lots of different factors to consider, and emotions at stake. Follow these steps to help decide how to go forward.<br /> <br /> <h3> Method 1 of 4: How to Know He’s Cheating</h3> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgfkTxXhVBPZInhm3OHFS4r9037Pc3LRdROE0yM4eSSnu8nfru3ByYgi4hqxsQXpUpkf7JNjTmH4wKu7mRMTcjlR3rnk7aLZ9mUY7ZIB2QLaHXf_ahuvXgVQ6MqmCkEuT_xnRrWgln-GdY5Vh3ddPbEEU5Go7NVaWtCD0ymOBtFZS6RXwvBRa4DtZ2Rm_ntU_29IkJlidP7g3oCLr2LFw9CO5ZGzlJVLTqq9wylvpUtRCc7o1HZ_U-VQIPaEcvSbwovgMefCj8oY8QevdBihD-G8ffbLtbwImtB_A=" />1<br /> Investigate. Play detective, and notice his suspicious mannerisms. Ask yourself the following:<br /> Has he been less intimate with you? If you notice sex become less frequent, he might be getting something on the side.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgLvlT-j8CgJunAGkJxYWGPZXZlS8LQkxF3PGS5HE6-dGa2_pfKsW7ASJ0HgS2yS1IsCgI8aBvbkxrhELpxtMY0JcNqegoJqsW05OAcCdXrcRAV1KceIIVPsJrGx095ZIET1p1vZrMefYxO5QFmufFggJtAYktRt6g8GnL_6p4CRoAFrhuPzXjKIemSDsyPOHr0m3uxxV2JlivUY5ajv5-57ihTFJkzegYWi_9zocqBhgoEifXAHQ1m-a51iANQJhA1BWtZGL8e1SWlq24klOf1U1lvFA=" /><br />Has he been dressing to impress? Men do this when they’re first interested in someone, but when things get serious, they tend to slack on their appearance. If he suddenly starts working out or takes an unusual interest in his looks, he’s looking good for someone else.<br /> <div> <br /> Is he “working late” more frequently? If “working late” becomes more regular, or if he’s spending nights away “on business,” he’s probably seeing someone else. Unless he’s been overwhelmed with work, in which case he probably tells you all about specific things he’s stressed about. If he’s vague about his late nights and business trips, and doesn’t tell you very much about them, there’s a solid chance he’s seeing someone else.<br /> <div> <br /> Does he check his phone a lot, and is he secretive about it? Some men are simply more private than others, but if he becomes defensive when you ask him who he’s corresponding with, he’s hiding something.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgmfHjGrJ2HWn_EBgJYseYZzePOpKtniS-crxA8xy8CmCFkFs7mpWjuUgFKRwoXnBcsKW1zfoPqmRo9VfytAnjBbMIYlAlcUtZIDEKseZtCx_4fISxiJpBoM242erzgky3WtSDgH1cl05pYbMv_xxy-b77ntBCttdqVoQtUczK4WElIg3uU8VV_UoyzIqG7Wmxlj9yTXctxklKpHGMEYdfVmPdMQ2LNFjCPS0yL96vX6OoMAVCTzj59vQbRyWk3zrGgpt5shvCEms9LNIH1BqOMBgx7EA=" />Has he become protective of his personal accounts? More so than usual? If he suddenly installs a password on his cell phone or computer, or starts intercepting the mail to open bank statements in private, he is likely having an affair.<br /> Has he been withdrawn and distant from you lately? If he’s behaving anxious around you, there’s a chance he’s having an affair. But remember, men can be distant for many reasons, so don’t go jumping to conclusions. But if he is being unfaithful, he will most likely be nervous, whether it be out of guilt or paranoia.<br /> Has he been snide to you in front of company? He may try to justify their infidelity by convincing himself you’re the bad guy.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhUBL-LjT1m6gRErRuRJjR5V3qKTEh1jdKJo6la1bjStdk-nrRDvsttw3BHXzj3vsGistHqDt9zTZD1OQKbCXn5TrzM-ajWMVASyjYQPUsZUg0LkPpqLuJl5twibB6jbgLLGQFYHBf1BsAseh_P8yobyP_7le5ZJRaBkj3UTY8ijV_yq7_TDKXHCL7NMjyvrvV2kqbDmEl-2uNSk1pad3j6is29xp0QeV4pKYVIiMldqbzoH-Vcz-pfYpDLA2fejJF1mB5pqdZiRWBS2ur2_x_0UkLdoA=" />Has he been mentioning a female acquaintance or colleague a lot more lately? This may mean he has a crush, whether he knows it or not. The good news is, if he still mentions her to you, he may not have acted on those feelings yet, since they’re still tantalizing him. If he did the deed already, he’d probably never mention her again.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiO6LUV2rLV0NexGik9uIPb40dQwRjDSoqCUU0MzqN1yC1fHcQb3yxS2OqAU93crleQi5hiBGkNqCc2P1e5X5oCKPNfVoIchddOBtxNH5P2XL0hwDFoVdnQ5Fq-hRk8Nz0YpkvG8TEmN-UkL6JzSdQjYsLcU8P8sa2l0iV1YRpHeEmB5SS251fZXF1-2sayXhO_uIzGjUj5bbzFL-HSIpF7mtzoDzMH0Fv3yQZipCDKP_ilRi_VlQjV9zeTQF0aeISXWN8580dETWntFWH6LGi_QXJtw7k4HYfnHw=" />2<br /> Ask the woman that he’s having an affair with, if you know or suspect who she is. Most women will sympathize and tell the truth. Oftentimes, this is exactly what she wants—for you to know. She may want you to leave him, so she can have your man all to herself. Many women are offended to be somebody’s secret, or second choice.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEj4UJLKKsizt39sF0eWmhkl3vcf-vhqwcqUAK9DcT5umOKvrN9E5TwLlBQqLtamXZLJ_dOVub5qdyhLsvWxys-U7I8DivA10O4qlBTfjscQtyAcArW4Cn16kXBC40EPjMme-kehWwPHry1OoL5KfI-quH7nZrem_VVb2-RYqsi-vuiQbHI2PzUqJmsIo9zzr44VLjIEFMUyUXhZ_EQe-1y0FpGTvKt92M4KEsUMX6aKvUSkobx8Ew95NupsJagY_MZWrW56TD2xh3etgUcjFMxKZ8C7UmNuS7DuQg=" />3<br /> Ask him. He may not answer honestly, but you can still infer by his reaction whether he is hiding something.<br /> If he reacts defensively or nervously, and fervently denies all accusations, he's hiding something.<br /> If he "doesn’t dignify your question with an answer," it’s usually because he doesn’t want to lie to you, but he really doesn’t want to tell the truth. If instead of answering, he asks, “How could you think that? Don’t you trust me?” he’s probably just avoiding your question.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEh6B9H4RiLTHZjUmssa3jlwv0IyuWRAXrjG0ztB_U0m5oTJD5E9l52Jw6u7_7X6GXBxQ1VAY9zEy15NtDHDZzmnTleaqIgrCxYlb1CI0E_Z_35nHxS_LKuj8X4YTtgBnTuTt2iAGDrh6oESsBKljYRZ59GfcaWblrK6gsq3gHBWMRpCJe7WvQKaVy8bSSu9RmRhCOn7i4PnO1V0TIKvWm_AlULNM-N5sDLyq4rPvmcYNXKwsfej6M4vfm0XS2YjOZeS0tL8GoZLbR6RzWgbipdnI9dGAw=" />If he comes clean, it is for one of two reasons. Either he is telling you because A) he wants to leave you, or B) the guilt of the affair is killing him. If he breaks down and cries, or keeps his head down when he tells you, it’s because he’s ashamed and he regrets his actions. Ask him what his intentions are in telling you, whether he wants to work things out with you or not.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <h3> Method 2 of 4: How to Confront Him</h3> <br /> 1<br /> Prepare yourself for every possibility beforehand. “Cheating” isn’t always black and white. Depending on how many times he’s cheated on you, how long he’s been unfaithful, how invested he is in his affair(s) and how many women he’s been with, you may be able to salvage your relationship.<br /> If he’s exclusive to one mistress and he sees her frequently, and buys her things, and does romantic things with her, this means he’s in love with her and your relationship is over.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjUBOYlIAMnDL2pU2d5OT5TNrw0F3mwDQgH7zCFIwjFeZHNK1oaeUyiwlrGUiQ0Opyjcp_a1NP_sZJNsAs7Rqo8_Ny__tVn5hKK43F1uLou7XclgSiPnxwkB2iJYaLNYyDa7A3yHpSL2hoNz7eQBa6d91XgahomoEvY6BWNFDYFwbb2WndxzNpIG9bta1BFbn3yVu0w2XR1U5w4R7p8A52gNC4j4OQ3d5i_dHqd4FDKi2S2UIIwJW8n60rXqd89NeGmuN-7uSp80uCCVOmTF9-qZbiXhw=" />If he’s slipped up several times, but always with different women who he cares nothing about and hasn’t kept in touch with, he may be fixable, because this means you still give him something other women don’t, if you’re the only one he’s with repeatedly. But you will have to make a change if you want him to change his ways, or it won’t work, and he’ll fall back into old habits.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhuvv0ya1uP2SGdX9bSE9Ynx5-yJehuzBAwOW8RM3h-VdzsHT9ARt-ZuwO-QdoB8Hm2o3BC4EN97Mq5QlsfixBi7RsBVuRdqDK5TIkkrw142xo3StZGbHXUdkP85r8mf6nT_AUYifLqvqnSjg6bmP48ip8VlwtLh0dYYL5HISRkf334MZVx450RA9ZRP7NrhvUybAc4Q1f-0wcx9FgfCCjsgkTvOMPp2Q8mCsSG6q4LyQyjNQbkWsFudBKQJ8tJwZnfm-SIZGV34QjF1o2KCsMk40YDHw=" />If he only cheated once, and it was out of character, and he sincerely, utterly regrets it, he deserves a second chance.<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgdODRUzocjP2NAyXGSpTKSyUUQYRh_ojZgko7PHrBSb62rdW788FLr6SrbP4NTnYDDeE-nhyphenhyphenfYkHJ5Aekf_cpIkXFi2qvZgEwYrq9A3DvKutbPlBzbWA9KY34zv4kZJT_LR4Bd_acFPqihYE2w8XEPiRCF_uCsxqMY83D5cLQaihgnfAE_GEOVUtgkgIb5UaZe4ZxMpMBtL1oorSRicKC2FHv9FfibSTP_V1yZZIs3us-kuesgwBP4aAoMgAZGzub4sUKSjPNw9QfuE1LUtG_Mzymbnw=" /><br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi2YEnkr6IdMKykPoo_u1AhSqiIQJ2dWp4c3BxC_z-KGZKrwize3cd4RvdinA_12ehczH1jUiBrpKC2pUoZ8bDi-nIUnreoqxeQPXCmRiW3nD-qYZVJP6hMqnjBaT4BAtZ0B8VGquuRQWvjh4nI5BEA4ALniWGXGWdcAJ4-TU2MU83OiGtkTGaCXxHltv8yh-m_ERbIv4_5p2LR9FnTQZAJLMnmaYYuybket9OlISYRKPGHyZJmhU2b3FPaWovLnkcclJdQ4anhlHtg5Bh3rpSpf_XqTgEBJ8-kWQ=" />2<br /> Decide what you consider a deal-breaker. Where will you draw the line? When you find out how seriously he’s been cheating, at what point will you be through with him? How willing are you to forgive him and move on?<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgmmb7rGvVba6hG-1jdS6MUaEuSY6IMq_vL_DIIFNbKxFhqCkZEqtOTjaLHOnRvC-ue7r0nGL0mt-KoA-qDEJAnvzjYiqrLTImlfOMxGaWgaRDt6mF9nU4ChnKeZhL8ywHWShl0AmkhcT4lyPmRwGsZaq2wQN4IvDdTVlKOjFJ9NbEULLZV9R_u8ZpvTJqQDP7yFci4JUqo4pSRUAthvFE-pXbpCllTCmRKRv6Jt_r3FADNb4e_LjunFWL7CeElgvEMFp3HGCsKcStECmjSZWuVlDCc9cfqnx6aJA=" />3<br /> Realize that you may be partly to blame. Obviously, his actions are inexcusable, but they may be the result of something deeper, and you may be part of it. Ask yourself if you’ve been driving him away. Maybe you’ve been snapping at him, putting too much pressure on the relationship, getting serious too quickly, or not getting serious enough. It could be any number of things, but you may not be satisfying all his needs, and if you want to work things out, there may be aspects of yourself you have to change.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEh8e80PDJE7Px3bitYSseNNlwzb9rW53j0vVHOsY_tecxl1iiDynmCNMT22bppYIZlggeVY1SFDDcwLgim6eruw3TEWsKi1hK9YbJVI9o-g9tP_2ZGg2EDDfArF02X4ZCDXSaTxIWMj4D2orLInMa9_6uBThB1uvCqmGrtfaB_QbQ9U6eB4KAQoWtkItje3udw1MQLnAXUhClytGa8xhvoqfmR2Ns2EtDSgOE_F8_HEuocmRftUd6FVqQWUQimQ_xvjqCNu7D7PhPjUVs1-azL3qOerCrJJRaf_cQ=" />4<br /> Confront him calmly. If you approach him angrily, he will immediately be on the defensive, and he won’t be rational or honest with you.<br /> Be as understanding as possible. Let him be heard. Listening to him may relieve some of the tension that led him to betray you in the first place.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEikeG0VLiCMHuHWN97isE4zz0fZh52nhRw5K_h9J3wrntR433K7IXc5AxPyDEbn0WX-qGG70Pl41WoZ6WbEnTQPmTlHah6f5Y9asxAiBonoRKJoAZNhy3YfTTDhh1vrUdwRLz_3J9FVeMqYdiGQa-SE6-dezJXzYFWw3J8WNQMgP5shuKOurRZJrzFfZCrPQ3ienDq5D5BLAXzcaVw5QwV33ybJ0P0SSP7luPHS6EHJBeTPHSF7bRUjIzdchhA9_AUjPu4c8ShFU6cDpm2YvqyHaha9qQfSCKm95Q=" />5<br /> Ask him specifically how much he cheated.<br /> How many times?<br /> How many women?<br /> How frequently?<br /> How long has it been going on?<br /> Has he cheated in past relationships?<br /> How serious is he about these women/this woman?<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgB11P4r82S0xmGCKMmxKyLY5mxYum5SWX6P1Hi1LQDFI3xOV5znqbklb92Ye98mVZRKd1HU33Chg9UiGolPVoNCdsL-YQ_od5uf1kbPW34-kDkrC7s5ruE-Bc3caiiy7lMBNXO3LoxBlT1uNKkppivKT0N_2Wx1j8HMadT4ODrZUMZpQk4YgxZaDHxTNF6YQTtFLmA7DSxewyhYuLjQKEA6Msm5fNTaYm_LMm4NzYaRO4Lv7Y8Hi7kIU4ov6vqTv3RV_DuKzg=" />6<br /> Ask him what his intentions are with you. Does he want to stay with you? Or was cheating his easy way out of this relationship? Is he in love with someone else?<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjkcGlHp9Il1wImOS3AK6hk5HvS-899vxo0gFhlK1HpODpY1DheYnnFL1KrKsciFbVDAkEkuVD2w10aH0aQVEGsXlb9jI_b-X7R8DXXR-L6Y-uqHfhtG_u1NYBYWkKE6m1XAqP9nxPcbE7TKNGbUd2AkggZw-KjB12ZhUTf5vPnNeLuQAOWeguqkiQp5lbcewjc7r7IVYFYGhJiZRMqOEveMBGeXIojQxL_J434qcs8mOwABkPl3AQ_1k-tVRuF2fI8JOjbQ9hGOg=" />7<br /> Decide if you are willing to work through this, or if you're through. Should you stay or should you go?<br /> If in your heart, you can't fully forgive him, and you don't think you'll be happy if you stay with him, it isn't worth your misery to try to work through it, no matter how much you wish you could.<br /> If you believe in him and trust him to stay faithful from hereon, you should give him a second chance.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <h3> Method 3 of 4: If You Stay Together</h3> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgaKIdarnCJlj4Asofp9GmPNH5MMXYlUltXEddxgSIjZB5cSjb_NzdWyB2__5VaH-bY5qt2thrUq4ZF5U7IKGFhRWkxJ5IPzhEPiSWrXPXCuXi0xSodun4FPvTa0F_ALBCFp9-R7M0my2MctkviLUmSTUyV6LnS42OZa-BosHskDT9OuYbD3HfwJPJ4jaaKXRwhBd9gVeac4A3bIJhmBc5viyuKcnw_cp62sbWWMDf9viLmhhByrDJ5nKzeSVvd6V0vBXEBybkWjA=" />1<br /> Tell him what he needs to do to earn your trust back.<br /> You may feel it's necessary for him to stop going on facebook or remove some of his female contacts from his phone.<br /> Be careful of forbidding him from speaking to someone entirely, because this may drive him to want to do it.<br /> You are fully justified in asking him to remove his password from his phone. If you feel it's necessary, you may ask him to disclose his Facebook password, or for access to his personal email, but like I said, this may lead him to feel trapped and cheat again.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEicoYZ3YUYxFCmo0prC_yquH_LKv8dSIiBVg-4iok1WFtS4c_JghfkocuO8PQ5_62SZFD48fliPN6-RtJXYrXnCDIIaP-f4UXEgC_ppm59WyMevjh7AQCPx-wPD_8PvJ9-ODdcUu-vAedKTKMbLfh3YZQVJIuroAmhmV_Kd-K1PCTZZNtvbZy8-c1idrRQsOZg5LHpOWuUXzqO5vD8NCr-mRBCIlromLatddq4r9yGBBYnreaOlxx9jmowJqI8ni_6O_TJVG1Tf9w=" />2<br /> Ask him what he needs from you. Something may have been missing from your relationship that drove him to pull away from you.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhLBl1ynK13JTmYDP7boaynyVvf1M_UhiurHZqqy7nXqYvX_ZALmJuymggLtcJ4Y2A9IN8f_kdHlGKHNyeXJ56FesFLIjQYKiGH9t6Mjqh1YXhQamhi8DDEgUl5RhYOBrDDZ8tq2Fy5p191vMkm_ScQ2pBF7cB0qEXfADFLkHES-gQLa6IGKf4EvRaOoVfO6oWxREySN6TD7GThFE-ceP_k9zTYBiwVFbSHiA3TN4a10obtQm7k1C7kIzdQjaNh_D1tcwpKfTUO0Q=" />3<br /> Communicate. From hereon out , it's clear you can't let tensions escalate. Trust is built on openness and honesty.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <h3> Method 4 of 4: What Drives Men to Cheat</h3> <br /> <br /> Cheating can be avoided altogether if you know what causes it. Avoid doing the following:<br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEigLJNxa2aBM9KU-C-08Ogz8Rl6BQ9r_vQCXL9jzHAlzIko5EB6Ov45S7hTdMDyLLwErP8tQVfZPstOigDQif-oQMZogb6G-C4amjkXAOj2PSVxqhqkkjBNGeANssdHeCbPi-IZB9bpUHkvww-z4H2zkJjeE6mRGJb99qjjlS8lIAeUyh_dDvM529x4QZSN0IPIxyAFmccQml8snbtydMeVpNubzBpoKkB0hs9EpSmwRVi9lZNEISTUuL0F9ZEoCtBVFRGDmBChpw=" />1<br /> Give him space. Don't smother him. If you're clingy or possessive over him, he may push you away. If he feels trapped with you, he may resort to cheating as a means of freeing himself.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhdmXi68wUGz4qSZ-lvGu0fcx0DrwYkzjG8XSmXYdySKwr2H88OZeudCjhib5mztImNRj4g4W55IKYaFo9AZx1Z2bdQRp_RjArnlWAJtXBbsSJjm9_t8E27iD2IH-3CTm2u2oW-zQQz6mN87G7EoFJus4R0DOG1Gcfp6KHHpQs10Ct0BeIo_KSdEnT89wkgKPzWj02b_r2UGh5etUffOt0mCbnk1lpUKzL2jJb2RPj-1DtWiSvEmGQm8H4bNRz3mfh72XZ6uj9JaA=" />2<br /> Satisfy him sexually. If he doesn't feel his needs are being met, he will find a way to meet them, and if you can't satisfy those needs, he'll find someone else who will.<br /> Be adventurous in bed and open to do the things he wants to do, as long as his demands are reasonable.<br /> Boring or repetitive sex can drive him to find somebody else to satisfy his urges.<br /> Genuinely enjoying sex makes all the difference. If he thinks he isn't satisfying you, this may cause him to reassure his ego that he is good in bed by satisfying someone else.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiCs-xNXXm5p6BfYo4e5SDaBNFNGevHV6AUvOhSUha_GL1U6r0gSAi6UyOpaOByaI5FanzrkxCbJ6GvcwMOAF1jXudMtvZUcTzHU9_oMPZ7maUKFOU_vTgWW7J6v547DW492FWFM7Yroc47yVLxPcTURw3xIIRKIN0J7-PAI_22MMBINXZy7od4TXrZkLfUT87CfrIV4bJ-l9oLnIQa8Ou_omArrsKuUGiBg9S2_gDAIkMqISED_7dD5v7NG7JMMbZhA_-DrgtzsA=" />3<br /> Be careful not to play the blame game with him. Blaming and accusing him for every little thing will push him to seek acceptance elsewhere, not just sexual acceptance, but emotional as well.<br /> <br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgDP3lnbPLvDCfJyX-Yai9fzYix9PSHaSku5_YuvwSvmy0ULyUt34Gn6q4b36kxI2TehPrSog5MMl4tMGROdWbhrAv2Kp1tIVy5bhiMagvxzO-00nCT8s8x_j6-NvGz1eQlprSVOm8ed7MIA_2NhPihBzC6-63L5H8XYbb0H7hbNLzp2yepUO-TPyJaKGc0alv0aocLbSjATZiuyYTlPfJ-ixJW5s3tfQoCIPCS_AIqHEtP3EufGnydldcvRuT6lwIWb8HctLd0hQ=" /><br />4<br /> Don't partake in power struggles. Love is not a competition, so don't try to win. Dismissing everything he says or being condescending with him will cause him to retaliate.</div> </div> <!-- Blogger automated replacement: "https://images-blogger-opensocial.googleusercontent.com/gadgets/proxy?url=http%3A%2F%2Fpad3.whstatic.com%2Fimages%2Fthumb%2Fa%2Faf%2FDeal-With-a-Cheating-Boyfriend-Step-3-Version-2.jpg%2F670px-Deal-With-a-Cheating-Boyfriend-Step-3-Version-2.jpg&container=blogger&gadget=a&rewriteMime=image%2F*" with "https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEj4UJLKKsizt39sF0eWmhkl3vcf-vhqwcqUAK9DcT5umOKvrN9E5TwLlBQqLtamXZLJ_dOVub5qdyhLsvWxys-U7I8DivA10O4qlBTfjscQtyAcArW4Cn16kXBC40EPjMme-kehWwPHry1OoL5KfI-quH7nZrem_VVb2-RYqsi-vuiQbHI2PzUqJmsIo9zzr44VLjIEFMUyUXhZ_EQe-1y0FpGTvKt92M4KEsUMX6aKvUSkobx8Ew95NupsJagY_MZWrW56TD2xh3etgUcjFMxKZ8C7UmNuS7DuQg=" --><!-- Blogger automated replacement: 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How to Deal With a Cheating Boyfriend

Cheating may be a deal-breaker in your relationship, or it may not, depending on the circumstances. There are lots of different factors t...

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